On Processing

More times than I can count, I’ve been told I’m “in my head” too much. The thing is, I don’t know how not to be. It’s truly a part of who I am, but even knowing this, it’s never stopped me from feeling guilty about it. For feeling somehow less than over an aspect of my personality as much a part of me as the eyes I was born with.

Tonight I was having coffee with a new friend when he said as much about himself. He sometimes wonders if he’s in his head to much. It sort of hit me all at once.

Nope.

No fucking way.

This is so completely part of who I am as a person and not something I’m going to apologize for anymore. And neither should he. What is wrong with processing or thinking about things more than whatever the socially acceptable norm is? Is it a crime to processes information in my own way? Sometimes out loud, sometimes alone, sometimes through writing, and nearly always through a combination of all three.

Add this to the list of things I’m coming to terms with this year. I like to think I’m pretty good at owning my shit. I’ll apologize if I’m in the wrong, and I’ll be the first to admit when I’m not confident about something. These are qualities I seek in other people as a real apology will go a long with me. I have a lot of faults and not all of them are pretty. But I will own them all. Every last ugly one. They are part of who I am. The good and the bad work in tandem to create me. Even the way I processes information and how much I think about life and things. It’s all part of my charm. I refuse to call it a fault any longer.

Maybe it makes me stronger.

Maybe it allows me to be sure of my actions with fewer regrets.

Maybe I like who I am and it doesn’t fucking matter what other people say. They can label it a fault, but I’m going to label it a strength.

Hi! My name is Miranda and I think a lot. Sometimes for obnoxiously long amounts of time about my choices in this thing we all call life. I’m okay with it. It has brought me to the place I am right now. 

A thank you is owed to this new friend of mine. Up until this evening, I was still apologizing for being me and I didn’t even realize it.

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